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#JizzInTheEye

4/15/2017

We all have our own dating style. As I have previously mentioned, I tend to lead with caution. If I chat with a guy on a dating site, I like to talk a bit before handing out my number (and even longer before I will meet him). There are several reasons. First, I have established via Life Lesson #1 (see #TheFelon) that I want to avoid being murdered. Second, spare time is a hot commodity for me and I want to be sure there is a mutual interest.

One night (during the show) we discussed how our styles differ. For example, Elexia and Shaun of the Dead (one of our board operators) both tend to (or have in the past) connect and meet shortly after. After this discussion, I decided to feel empowered and just go for it!!

Life Lesson #8
Go for it! Throw caution to the wind! Give out your number. Go on the date.

#JizzInTheEye started out as a great conversation. He is a soccer dad with two kids, we had a mutual friend in common and the online conversation seemed to flow. With my newfound "go for it" attitude, I gave him my number.

The following takes place the very next day.

Bing!
Photo. #JizzInTheEye wearing a black leather dress.

Bing!
Photo. #JizzInTheEye wearing a hot pink mini dress and black gogo boots.

Bing!
Photo. #JizzInTheEye wearing full makeup with (did you see this coming??) jizz covering his eyes and a penis in his mouth (obviously not his own).

Me- "That was unexpected. A warning would have helped since I am not alone and had to quickly shield my phone."

Bing!
Photo. #JizzInTheEye wearing another black mini dress.

Bing!
Photo. #JizzInTheEye wearing the black minidress lifted up with a cock cage on his penis. (I will admit I had to look this up.)

Bing!
Photo. #JizzInTheEye wearing another hot pink mini dress.

Bing!
Photo. #JizzInTheEye with a closeup of his makeup.

Him- "Do you like me in pink?"
Me- "It's cute. I have to go."

I wasn't bothered by the dress or the actual photos. I firmly believe we all enjoy different things. This was his preference and he obviously felt comfortable enough with me to share. What I didn't like was that he gave no warning. Nothing. No..."Hey, some pics are coming your way and they are for your eyes only!" or "Hey, is this a good time for me to send a pic with jizz in my eyes?" Once I expressed that I wasn't alone, he didn't respect my words and continued sending pics.

Also, JIZZ IN THE EYE!!!!!! No, just no. If your makeup is on point, why are you going to ruin it? There are so many other places you could land that jizz. The eye is the worst one!

This. This is why I tend to be more cautious.

Life Lesson #8.5
(amendment to Life Lesson #8)
Go for it! Throw caution to the wind! Give out your number. Go on the date. Avoid jizz in the eye.

xo T

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Photos: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ellevalentine/6069376413 - https://www.flickr.com/photos/chrismillett/4595955195

2 Comments

#ICU

4/5/2017

3 Comments

#ICU
I've been known to take things too literally. This was one of those times.

ICU wasn't named right away. He was a nice a guy but really bitter about his ex-wife. We went out to dinner and the entire conversation consisted of him discussing his hatred of his ex and me discussing my love of WWE wrestling. I figured the two balanced each other out.

Life Lesson #5
When in doubt, try to change the conversation to wrestling matches. I highly recommend the 1998 Hell in the Cell match between The Undertaker and Mick Foley. It always makes for a great chat!

As the evening came to a close, ICU asked me out on a second date. I said yes because it was the nice thing to do.

Life Lesson #6
It's ok to say no. This is still a lesson in process for me.

The second date was similar to the first. The discussion centered around his ex-wife (again) and my theory on whether the Ultimate Warrior really died or was it yet another hoax.

After this date, it was time for me to seek advice from my dating guru. I have this amazing, beautiful, intelligent, witty (I could keep going, but you get the idea) friend who is an expert on all things. I mean ALL the things. Dating, check. Parenting, check. Cooking, check. Contouring, check. Threesome etiquette, check. Life, check. There's so much more which she has taught me. I'll dedicate a future post to the teachings of #Eve. For now, I had a problem and she knew just how to solve it.

Me: Eve, I'm not really interested in ICU, but I don't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings.

Eve: It would hurt his feelings more if you don't tell him and he finds out later. You want to be very upfront and honest. Just tell him... "ICU, you're a great guy but I don't think we are compatible and I wish you the best of luck with everything!"

A few days later.....

Me: Eve, I did it! I let ICU know how I felt!
Eve: Great! How did he take it?
Me: He was very understanding!! It went well!!! I think it was bad timing on my part though. He was calling me from the ICU.
Eve: You're a monster.

At this moment, #ICU was derived. I had followed Eve's suggestion to a T. In hindsight, I should have waited until he was out of the hospital.

Life Lesson #7
Don't be a monster.

xo T

3 Comments

#TheFelon

4/4/2017

4 Comments

#TheFelon

I met The Felon at an awards show. Sin City Bounty was hosting an event and we were also up for an award. It had been a bit of a stressful weekend and I just finished a day full of interviewing. I was rocking a hot, red dress to an after party and this is where I bumped into a former acquaintance (who happened to be friends with The Felon). I had originally met the friend years prior (and among my circle, this friend is referred to #ParkingLotHandjob for reasons I will explain at a later time...maybe.) #PLHJ introduced me to his friend and we spend the entire evening talking.

We were asking each other random questions.

Me- Have you ever been to jail?
Him- Which time?
Me- Swoosh (that's the sound of my panties needing to be thrown away in the restroom)

At that moment, #TheFelon was derived. For the record, I'm pretty sure he was kidding. I thought it was hot. I took a chance that it was a joke and I wouldn't end up in his trunk before the right was over.

Our first date was at a Mexican food restaurant. This is where I quickly learned my next lesson.

Life Lesson #3
Do not order Elote on a date!!!

I look like the Cookie Monster going to town on some cookies when I eat Mexican corn on the cob. Like seriously...the corn flies everywhere, lime juice drips down my arm, I blind someone with chile power which projected from my mouth... It's just NOT pretty. There is nothing remotely sexy about this look. Exactly what you want on a first date! Luckily, #TheFelon was able to see past my corn debacle with a solid promise that I would avoid this food on all future dates.

In addition to being my first actual date(s) since the Spice Girls were popular, I also experienced my first walk of shame. You know the walk, ladies. I took the whole "cute, messy hair with shoes in hand" march to an entirely different level. We were both attending another event which ended with a pool party. So my night ended with me, a pair of shoes and a bikini.

No ID, no phone, no room key. After a few deep breaths, my ass pranced up to the front desk as 6 AM (in nothing but a bikini, flip flops and some serious raccoon eyes with the remnants of last night's makeup) and had to ask for an escort to my room so I could produce an ID upon entry.

Life Lesson #4
The "walk of shame" is just a phrase. There's nothing shameful about getting laid. High five everyone you pass by. Give the knowing nod. Do the fake finger gun, mouth click if needed. Just try to do it fully clothed and not in a hotel lobby while wearing a bikini.

#TheFelon and I are still friends. He's a great guy who actually has no clue about his nickname. I know he will read this and, possibly, at first wonder if I'm referring to him. He will know for sure once he gets to the Elote part. No one can forget being blinded by corn.

xo T

4 Comments

An Intro to Toxi's Blog

4/4/2017

0 Comments

Life Lesson #1
Be cautious enough to avoid becoming the subject of a Lifetime movie.

Although this lesson is learning in progress, I've done pretty well thus far.

I'm super cautious, overly to an extent. But I'll discuss it throughout this blog. Despite my hesitations, I have enjoyed dating. I'm typically a private person when it comes to this subject. I speak in generalities on our show unless I have a guy's permission prior. This has made things interesting. I find there are two very defined sides and no middle ground. There are guys who ABSOLUTELY do not want to be referred to on the show and others who ask immediately if I plan to talk about them. I'm pretty sure this blog will not alleviate any concerns for those who have who are worried. I will continue, as always, to keep names private.

So I have these great dating stories which I don't share on air and now it's time.

Life Lesson #2
The best stories need to be shared. Let people learn from you and take the opportunity to learn from yourself. Share in your joy, share in your pain...just share.

This philosophy was how our show came about. The original hosts had some amazing dating stories. When I first joined I was the married one. My fun stories involved jaeger, my ex leaving the toilet seat up and failed threesomes.

Now is my chance to catch up. Enjoy!

xo T

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Toxi

I woke up one day and the reality of being almost 40 and newly single hit me. I had been married over 15 years and was definitely out of practice (Unfortunately my fantasies of a Mark Paul Gosselaar fling didn't count as dating). The thought of dating was both scary and exciting. My ultimate goal was to meet new people and not end up being the subject of a Lifetime movie about encountering your killer on Craigslist. At this moment my personal life lessons were born.

Life Lesson #1- Be cautious enough to avoid becoming the subject of a Lifetime movie.

Although this lesson is learning in progress, I've done pretty well thus far.

I'm super cautious, overly to an extent. But I'll discuss it throughout this blog. Despite my hesitations, I have enjoyed dating. I'm typically a private person when it comes to this subject. I speak in generalities on our show unless I have a guy's permission prior. This has made things interesting. I find there are two very defined sides and no middle ground. There are guys who ABSOLUTELY do not want to be referred to on the show and others who ask immediately if I plan to talk about them. I'm pretty sure this blog will not alleviate any concerns for those who have who are worried. I will continue, as always, to keep names private.

So I have these great dating stories which I don't share on air and now it's time.

Life Lesson #2- The best stories need to be shared.
Let people learn from you and take the opportunity to learn from yourself. Share in your joy, share in your pain...just share.

This philosophy was how our show came about. The original hosts had some amazing dating stories. When I first joined I was the married one. My fun stories involved jaeger, my ex leaving the toilet seat up and failed threesomes.

Now is my chance to catch up. Enjoy!

xo T

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#ICU

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An Intro to Toxi's Blog

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#JizzInTheEye

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An Intro to Toxi's Blog

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#TheFelon